The Tale Of The Shrinking Boobies

Although its been real fun on Vox, I don't like certain features of it, like that you have to have an account to comment.  So I am moving to new diggs.  Please come visit me there and leave me TONS of comments 

The Tale of the Shrinking Boobies New Home

I can't begin to describe the horrendous itchiness that comes with the healing from this surgery.  I never realized how badly healing wounds itched, probably because I had never been sliced open the way I was for this.  I didn't particularly take it easy today either so that is probably a big part of this.  I am not used to being tired though and not being able to sleep, and I really don't like it. 

Although I find it difficult to express in words how badly I am itching right now, here are a few of the solutions that I have thought of to relieve the itching.  Using a hairbrush to scratch with.  If that failed I could use the metal part of my foot scrubber and if those both failed, there has to be some amount of tequila that could put me to sleep, although I am not will to stake my life on that claim. 

I fear complaining about the surgery too much, I don't want to seem like I think it was a mistake, its just that I am a big fat wienie and I like to bitch.  Seriously though, its a difficult process, made more difficult by the fact that although deemed necessary by my insurance it was very much a voluntary surgery and not a life of death one, so I choose to do this as opposed being told it had to be done.  Its hard sometimes to think of that.  The scars don't bother me, but knowing that I subjected myself to the level of pain that I have it sometimes hard to take. 

Mind you, this isn't any more painful then child birth was or even the recovery from child birth cause that was some painful stuff right there, but again, that was sort of life or death, I didn't give birth to my kids and one of us would have died, so you see it was unavoidable, well I guess 42 weeks earlier it hadn't been but we wont get into that, and yes it was 42 weeks because I have the gestation period of an elephant and try to carry my children until they can walk out or at the very least change their own diapers.  Thats another story though. 

Well a month and 2 days, since the new twins arrived.  I am getting used to them, but this last 3 days or so has been rough.  They are aching and I can only think that maybe its almost that time of the month or something.  Whatever it is, it hurts.  I actually dreamed about them last night, and not in that good Jason Statham rubbing them way but in the I was a pirate and the pirate Dr had to look at them because they hurt so bad way.  I don't know why pirate, I never said the dream made sense.  I blame the drugs.  Its easier that way.

My healing seems to be going good, my scars are getting lighter and my boobs are taking on a nice shape.  I would post a picture but I am not sure if that would violate the terms of service for Vox and I am not about to read them, so if you want to see them, e-mail me.  I do like to show them off.  I wish I had some before pictures, but alas I was too stupid to remember to do that. 

I thought that I had a witty post coming but I seem to be babbling so I think I will go for now.  If I think of something funny I will tell you

My boobs are actually doing great.  I couldn't ask for a prettier set, well I could but I would have to pay a lot for them.  For the most part I would say my healing has been going awesome, save for the previously mentioned freak outs and such.  everything has been pretty much business as usual.  Last week my sister sent me some beautiful flowers, and I will post a picture at the bottom of them, they were very beautiful, but sadly yesterday was their last day here with us as the lemons in them started talking and asking me for all sorts of stuff and really, I don't need one more creature asking me for things.

Have I ever mentioned how many creatures I take care of?  I have 1 husband (that I will admit to) 2 children ages 4 and 21 months.  3 inside cats, ages 8, 8 and 6 and many many many outside cats.  I didn't mean to become the neighborhood cat lady, since I am still pretty young for that, but it has just happened.  It started out innocently enough.  We went away for a week camping, when we came home and begun unpacking the car the above mentioned husband started tossing out all of the food that had gathered in there and this beautiful cat ran up and started gobbling down the chicken stars he tossed out as fast as he tossed them.  He came in and asked me for a bowl of cat food, because my husband, who claims to not like cats, loves cats. 

After that we started taking care of this cat, and for lack of imagination we named her Outside Kitty.  Occasionally she will bring a friend home, but she is the dominant cat of the front porch.  We have now acquired Outside Kitty, Tuxedo Kitty, Stripped Kitty and last night was the kitty that almost broke me.  We cannot have another cat in our home.  For one thing the three in the house smell bad enough but our youngest cat is also a bit of a bitch and refuses to be friends with any other cats.  She simply allows the two cats that we had before her live here because they were here, but if they step out of line she takes them down and has since the day she was brought home, also a sad little stray by the way. 

This new cat that showed up however broke my heart and made me cry, not that it takes much these days.  This cat was very hungry.  I went out to feed Outside Kitty and saw only her, but by the time that the food hit the bowl there was suddenly this gray and white cat in the bowl eating and Outside Kitty was just stunned, Tuxe and Stripes know better then to mess with her food before she is finished.  I quickly grabbed another bowl and filled it for her, but once again that little gray head was in it eating as fast as it could.  I picked it up to return it to the original bowl and that is when I noticed it.  Her eye is missing.  Not missing like it has been for awhile but this cat has recently had its eye damaged by something.  My heart just shattered for it.  I really hate that people will just throw away their pets, as this was clearly at one time a pet or else I doubt it would have been so willing to let me pick it up.  Same thing with Outside Kitty.  Tuxe and Stripes are feral.  I mentioned that I live in a hick town well I am in a brand new subdivision on a former Peach Orchard.  There is a large empty field right outside our subdivision that has a colony of feral cats so these two have just invited themselves over to help themselves.

I am thinking that perhaps the new cat, whom I named Winky got into a fight with one of the local chickens or something.  I did once see one totally whoop my youngest cats butt when she thought she was going to have her sum chickun fer dinner. 

The worst part of this entire process has been the emotional tailspin it has sent me into.  I have never claimed that I was an emotionally stable individual to begin with, I didn't however expect that a surgery I have dreamed of most of my life would send me into the spiral it has.  My healing process has been exceptionally dull.  I haven't had any problems that would cause me to be down, but then I guess that is the beauty of hormones.  They strike with no reason. 

I don't want to gloss over anything in this process.  I have tried to make light out of most of it, but I have to say without doubt that the anxiety attacks and mood swings I have been having are the single most terrifying part of the entire procedure.  This feeling like there is this ball of twine in my chest and it just starts wrapping tighter and tighter until I just feel like its going to burst out of my chest and that is about the time I lose it and start yelling at someone.  Or I start hysterically crying over something as insignificant as how badly Windows Vista sucks balls. 

I have spoken with my Dr and he is sure it will pass, but that doesn't make it less scary while its happening.  For now I have my Valium, and a prescription I really need to pick up from Walmart but just don't want to stand in a three mile long line to get it.  I don't have the patience for that right now unfortunately.  Hey maybe if I started talking to myself in the line about how I needed my psych meds the other people in line would run for safety paving the way for me to get to the front of the line. Hmmmmmm

I live in a small farming town.  A traffic jam here happens only from a few things.  Before and after school or if you get stuck behind a tree shaker or a tractor.  Or the occasional elderly person on a lark.  My Dr however is in the "big" city of Sacramento.  Now Sacramento isn't a big city in the sense of New York or Chicago ( I once saw an episode of cops in Sac and the most exciting thing that they did was chase a wayward bull back into his pen) but the traffic is hell.  Unfortunately the 45 minute delay at the Dr's office stuck me right in the middle of rush hour going home.  Now, I am not really antsy about driving in the traffic because I had the unfortunate experience of living and driving in Naples Fl for a year.  They had a few driving rules there that we don't here like, 3 cars will always run the red light, elderly drivers have the right of way and pedestrians do not. 

However I hate sitting in traffic, it makes me nuts.  The one thing I did learn yesterday is that a blinker is a sign of weakness at rush hour and I will never use one again.  I have only recently begun to use one again anyways after learning the hard way that in FL a blinker isn't used as a turn signal but rather a target for the elderly drivers to aim at.  I was seriously hit by an old man on oxygen once because I broke the cardinal rule of not letting three cars run the red and used my turn signal while making a left turn.  He didn't stop or even really notice I don't think.  My car was spun around backwards and I never saw where he went. 

When I finally got back to town I took my sister to dinner because she had been trapped at home all day while I had a pedicure and showed my boobs to my Dr.  The kids of course were with us.  I have never seen my children or hers for that matter behave so nutty.  I wouldn't say they were bad, because they are all still young but I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to be anyone at a table near us.  I swung through Carl's Jr to get the kids some food they would actually eat while my sister got us a table.  I figured that them having food right off would make it calmer and we would be able to sit and chat while the kids quietly ate and were quiet.  HA HA HA

The youngest, my son chewed up all his food and spit it out only while turned around to face the people behind us.  That is my biggest gripe with the, since I hate when strange children look at me constantly while I eat.  It makes me feel like I have to interact with them as well and as we have already discussed I don't like kids.  So I was on him about that, while my sister wrestled with her son and my daughter they were out of control.  My daughter jumped around like a monkey in a frying pan.  Whining and squirming.  Sliding off her seat and under the table, making a mess and just being loud.  My nephew brought this rubber dinosaur with him would wait until my sister turned her head and assault my daughter with it, which would make her screech like a dying rodent and slide under the table to hide.  The grand finale of the event was when my daughter switched to my side of the table while I went to pay.  My sweet little boy smashed her on the head with his cup making her act as though she were dying, and actually asked to go to the hospital.  FREAK. 

We pretty much gathered the kids and ran.  I was so over the entire day, hurting and just ready for it to end.  I was sweating like a body builder at the gym and I just wanted to get the kids in the car.  I wanted the day to end.  I pretty much came home after that and took two Vicodin.  Thankfully my sweet hubby was home shortly thereafter, at which time I locked myself in my bedroom and hid till the kids fell asleep.  Remind me never to take the kids out in public again until they are in their 20,s

So have you ever been leaning over too far while shredding documents and gotten your boob stuck in a paper shredder?  I didn't think so, and if you have, I think you are too dumb to read my blog.  However I am pretty sure that if that were to happen, it would feel exactly like what my boobs feel like today.  I went to my post op today, and to see if I needed more crazy meds.  Good news I DO, but only until I am over this surgery caused hump...he hopes.  I didn't pick up the prescription today.  I still have plenty of Valium and Vicodin so I should be good for a bit.  After my first appointment of the day I got a pedicure.  My very first in fact.  They are so very pretty.  Anyways that was a nice treat.  Then I went to Wal-Mart and looked for bras. 

I will say this up front, I AM CHEAP.  I don't like spending money  on myself, so as it was I was already guilty over that whole pedicure and then I go to try to find a bra under 10 bucks. Apparently there was an APB to all stores within a 50 mile radius to take any and all bras off the shelves that might fit my newly tiny D cups and hide them until I leave.  I think I might have mentioned yesterday that in the entire Target there were 2 bras in my size, and neither one spoke to me.  I have been wearing ugly bras for years and years and damn it I want something that makes me feel like a woman.  I recently purchased 3 bras from Fredericks Of Hollywood that would so totally fit the profile if it weren't for the fact that I could fit the cup over my head.  See once the cup is larger then a basketball it is no longer womanly and now in the freak show category.  I found one bra that I might maybe be okay with, however I ran into a new snag.  The back of the bra only has three hooks.  3.  Seriously, the last time I had a bra with 3 hooks I still had Barbies and Care Bears.  My back feels kinda naked with it on.  Maybe I will just go without a bra they are perky right now so I could pull it off.  You know except that my nipples aren't in sync with each other so I might have one that is hard as a rock and one that is all mushy.  Have I mentioned that my nipples feel just like a condom in a package.  They are firm around the edges but squishy in the middle.  Its strange.  When I was trying on bras I started to notice how badly my boobs were hurting.  When I took my sports bra off it made my eyes tear up it was that bad.  So I cut that trip short and headed on over to the Plastic Surgeon's Office.

Once there I checked in and proceeded to read my book.  It's Not News, Its Fark.  There was a large family there of about seventeen, most of them toddlers and all of them captivated with me.  Here is the thing about Audra and her boobs.  I have two little bundles of sunshine of my own.  Rarely do I find other children in public appealing to play with.  I have my own at home, I don't need to go elsewhere to ignore children and be on the internet.  Especially if I am actually out without mine.  I don't even want to see kids.  That is unless they are newborns.  Who couldn't love a newborn, and I try to always tell the parent that their child is beautiful because I remember being insecure and wanting to hear that non-stop when I had a newborn.  I will not however stop someone in a store to gah over their child.  Because I also remember needing to get through the store whilst setting a new land speed record so that I could have my child home to nap.  God forbid a nap happen in the car then my day will be shit.  I am off subject, where was I?  Oh yes the family with the 20 kids whom the parents just let run around and jump on strangers, greeaat.  At least I had Fark.  Hey and guess what, the Dr was 45 minutes behind schedule.  SUPER.  I couldn't even amuse myself with the guess the surgery game because there were too many of them to try to figure which was the patient.  Also I try to avert my eyes from strange children lest they think I want them to talk to me.  It isn't that I don't like kids, I just don't like kids that aren't mine or very close to me.  If I can't be comfortable enough to tell the kid to shut it, or to wipe their nose on my shirt, then I really have no interest. 

When I finally saw the Dr he told me what I already knew, my breasts are SPECTACULAR.  Ok so maybe what he said was that my breasts are healing great and that they are way further healed then could be expected and also I still can't go to the gym or shoot my gun.  He also said that my armpit fat will go down over time, but that they could only take so much out before they were just hurting me.  So perhaps that is why I am not that bruised, my Dr didn't take as much out.  That was pretty much it.  I will see him again in two weeks to see what he thinks then.  

I have a post op appointment today.  I am hoping to be cleared for the gym, but suspecting that I will be told I need to wait another few weeks.  I have no real basis for this suspicion other then I am a negative Nelly when I want to be.  I also have an appointment with my primary care to discuss those little attacks I have been having.  Its funny, they are almost manageable as long as I don't think about them, if I think about them though....its all over.  Just typing the word attack I could feel a jump in my chest and I had to breathe it out.  I want to avoid taking anything today and that is part of the problem.  See my doctors are all at least an hour drive away.  This is because my amazing husband commutes to Sacramento from our little ole town and his insurance only covers the UC Davis health group.  So you can see why I wouldn't want to be doped up for the drive.  The only problem I have is that my first appointment is at 11:45 and my second is at 3:15.  Whatever shall I do with myself? 

I am thinking bra shopping.  Here in Ruralville our mall is really sad.  We actually aren't that rural anymore so I am not sure why our mall still sucks but it does.  So I was thinking that I would go to a real mall, look at some bras, maybe a dress to wear to this thing I am going to with Dave on Saturday and perhaps....a pedicure?  I have never had one, ever.   So I am thinking some pampering is in order and well, my feet are looking sad.  Also I hear that they have these delicious massage chairs to sit in while someone works on your feet, so it sounds like a good way to kill a few hours. 

I did go bra shopping yesterday at Target, but I was sadly disappointed.  They had 2 in my size and neither were comfortable.  I probably wont be able to wear an under wire for awhile but all the cute bras are under wire.  I want something exotic, something feisty, something that would fit over my head too.  Is that so much to ask for?  Listen bra industry, fat, large breasted, post op breast reduction patient moms want sassy bras too.  Get with it ok.  I did however manage to end the mourning period for a recent household loss.  My trusty toaster oven went crumbs up last weekend and I hadn't gotten out to get a new one.  While at Target I found one that matches my kitchen perfectly and has a ton of neat features, so although sweet Toasty is gone, Toasty 2 will ease that pain.  It has a timed cook feature so that I can finally stop wandering off and forgetting about what is cooking.  I can just set it and forget it.....isn't that an infomercial?  So anyways, those are my plans for the day and what I did yesterday.  Wish me luck.